


He Loves You Not

by delectum



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, But I guess it’s canon now, Established Keith/Kuron, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Leak-verse, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Post-season 7, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 18:23:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16979532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delectum/pseuds/delectum
Summary: The clone loves Keith. Shiro does not.





	He Loves You Not

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea for this fic yesterday and I really wanted to write it before s8. Please use the fact that I wrote this in six hours as an excuse for any ooc characters.

It’s only gratitude that has him blushing, Shiro tries to tell himself as Keith offers him a blanket, even though it’s the last from their stash and Keith is the only one that doesn’t have one. The planet that they had landed on to revive him -and that’s still an odd thought- isn't particularly cold, or windy, or frigid in the least, but it’s endearingly sweet that Keith still tries his hardest to make him comfortable.

The fire in the middle of their makeshift camp is dying embers, the team in various states of slumber. It’s a very serene atmosphere, and a small part of Shiro thinks it would feel very natural to scoot over a few feet, wrap the blanket around both their shoulders, and pull Keith in close so they can sit side by side.

Shiro recoils as soon as the thought enters his mind. It’s uncharacteristic and something that even after knowing Keith for almost four years, has never once crossed his mind. He jolts when a warm hand covers his knee, the touch so uncomfortably more intimate than he’s used to but also so so _right._

“You alright?” Keith’s voice is soft and gentle, his touch excruciatingly tender for someone who has bruised knuckles and blood under the crest of his nails. When Shiro doesn’t answer, Keith pulls off his right glove with his teeth and places a careful, calloused hand over Shiro’s forehead to check for a fever. 

They’re too close.

Freckles dot the bridge of Keith’s nose and cheeks, darker and more prominent than they had been when Shiro saw him last. His glaze flits, unwilling, to Keith’s lips, cracked and bleeding and so so inviting. He should tilt his head, something tells him faintly, slot their lips together and thank Keith for being here with him, for _saving_ him. 

Shiro scrambles back unconsciously, desperate to put some space between them. Something inside of him mourns the loss of heat, and craves to bridge the gap between them. When he sees the hurt, worried look flash over Keith’s features, Shiro is quick to stammer, “Sorry, I just- not used to touch after, you know…”

It’s a plausible excuse and only partly a lie. It’s only Keith’s touch that sends sparks of electricity in his veins, only his touch that has him craving more. 

Keith sends him a small smile, says in that soft and caring voice that he only uses around Shiro, “You should get some rest.”

“Uh, yeah, I’ll-I’ll do that.”

Sending him one last amused look, Keith gets up from his spot and moves closer to the fire, whistling lowly for the wolf. It’s ears perk up at the sound and it blinks away in a puff of blue, only to reappear by Keith’s side. They look cozy all curled up together, Shiro thinks, as they settle down to sleep.

The thought makes it easier for him to wrap the blanket tighter around himself and drown out all thoughts of asking Keith to join him.

 

 

 

 

They make plans over a meal of leftover rations early the next morning. None of them are particularly hungry, but the journey ahead is long and grueling. They’ll need all the energy they can get. Everyone is exhausted after such a long fight, and the planet’s lack of sunrise encourages drowsiness. However, the team is eager to get back home, and it shows in their planning. 

While Pidge and Coran discuss the best route to take them back to Earth, Shiro finds his gaze drifting over to Keith. 

Lately, Shiro has spent a lot more time looking at the other boy than not, and it makes him aware of things he had never noticed before. It’s hard to ignore how the blue tinge of the sky casts an ethereal tint over his creamy pale skin, how his hair curls slightly at the ends from morning dew.

Shiro catches himself staring and forces himself to look away. 

It’s difficult, because Keith holds his attention like a moon in orbit. He has, ever since Shiro had been pulled out of an endless starry night, stumbling over his first breath in a dying body and falling into Keith’s arms. He had woken up from what he had assumed were his last moments and had seen Keith above him, scarred and bloody but so so beautiful. It was then that he knew that Keith was his _everything_ , and life was not worth living without him. 

...but that’s not right.

Shiro had lived without Adam, had even lived without Keith for a time, and it’s never been this burning need, this burning passion, like a flame in the night. It’s never been _‘I need him_ ’ or ‘ _I can't survive without him’._

When did that change? When, exactly, did he start feeling differently?

It seems like such introspection would have been best suited for the astral plane, the endless void of nothing an excellent opportunity of examining his personal relationships. If anything changed in his feelings, it would have been there. 

But it hadn’t. He had been relieved when he saw Keith, yes, and proud when he had unlocked the black lion’s wings, but they had been familiar emotions, ones he’d had since the Garrison.

Over the overturned crates the team was using as a makeshift table, Keith sends him a wordless look, a silent ‘ _are you okay?’_ It’s a subtle gesture, a way for him to ask if he’s alright without alerting the rest of the team. 

Shiro gives him a reassuring smile, but it’s one that fades as soon as Keith looks away.

Something has definitely changed between them.

All he needs to know now is what. 

 

 

 

 

It’s at night that he realizes, in the black lion’s cargo and with Keith only a few paces away. 

The clone loved Keith. 

It’s the only explanation. 

And Shiro loves him too, but it’s not like that. It’s the love is he feels for a best friend, for a brother, but the clone’s is not like that. 

Because the clone is _in love_ with Keith. Shiro is not. 

A few feet away, Keith’s breath hitches. Shiro freezes, as if one wrong move could wake Keith and alert him to his innermost thoughts. He doesn’t wake, just shifts to the side, a hand going up to press against his ribs lightly. Shiro had caught sight of the ugly bruising earlier that day, able to see only a glimpse of the painful swirl of colors before Krolia hid the contusions under a thick layer of bandages. With bruising like that, Keith must have been incredibly sore. 

There’s the bloodied scar on his face too, and Shiro pushes himself to remember what may have caused it. The clone’s feelings for Keith aside, he’s still unaware of a large chunk of what happened the past few months. The only things he had collected were vague recollections, a painful looking scar on his thigh that fit the shape of his hand, and this overwhelming love for Keith. 

It was a blessing that he at least remembered some of what had happened before Haggar took control of the clone or else he would have been lost when he saw a teleporting space wolf, Keith’s mom, another Altean, and Keith two years older. 

_And hotter_ , a part of his mind supplied unhelpfully, causing Shiro to crane his head frantically as if his thoughts would somehow wake Keith. They didn’t, just as logic would have told him. Having the other paladin this close to him was doing things to Shiro, things that impaired his basic ability to function. 

It was making it hard to think clearly.

He has to get over these feelings, and fast. The line is blurred and he doesn’t know where he starts and the clone ends. 

The question now is how does he tell Keith that he’s at war with himself? 

 

 

 

 

On principle, travelling thousands of miles together in the small cockpit of an ancient warship shouldn’t leave distance between its passengers, but even though Keith is only a few feet away, the space between them is a gaping chasm. 

Inevitably, Keith notices his reserved behavior and pulls him aside on a rare moment when they’re alone. The storage closet is filled with salvaged supplies from the castle, and without much space between them, they’re too close in the cramped room, close enough that he can see the individual lashes framing Keith’s eyes, can count them if he wants.

Something itches in the back of Shiro’s mind, a vague recollection of being in a closet similar to this one, but for reasons vastly varied than just talking. The crates look sturdy enough that he could push Keith against them and kiss him breathless, and the thought seems oddly tempting. 

The image is clear in his mind's eye. He knows the exact shade of red Keith’s kiss-bitten lips will get, knows how his hair will look after Shiro’s been carding his fingers through it. It’s excruciatingly vivid. 

Shiro clears his throat, cheeks burning, and take a small step back to make some space between them. Keith watches him, the look on his face unreadable.

“Are you going to tell me what this is about?” he asks but the tone of his words is neither accusatory nor angry. 

It never is, at least not with Shiro. 

He must have taken too long to reply because Keith places a gentle hand on his forearm. His expression is open and honest, no inhibitions about hiding his true feelings. This version of Keith is far cry from the guarded and hurt boy that Shiro had left before the fight with Zarkon. He’s changed, as a person and also with his dealings with Shiro. 

“Shiro, I… I understand that you need time and that this kind of stuff doesn’t just go away but- I want you to know that I’ll wait for you. For however long you need and for however long you’ll have me.”

There’s something unsaid in the wording, something that’s Shiro’s missing. What had happened between them that had Keith so trusting, so willing? So much has changed and it hurts terribly. He had died and everyone had moved on with someone that wasn’t even him. It felt like identity theft, except to a degree that was painfully crippling. 

“I’m trying,” he admits to Keith, because he _wants_ to get help, wants to _fix_ whatever this is between them so that they can go back to something familiar, something that doesn’t remind him of how much he’s lost. 

His voice cracks when he looks down, down and away from Keith’s concerned, _caring_ eyes and whispers, “...I feel so lost all of the time. Like I’m not _me.”_

Because someone else has been _living_ for him, _breathing_ for him and now they’re both fighting for control over the one thing that they both share.

For Keith.

“I can barely even remember what _happened_ while I was gone, just that I woke up from being dead with an arm missing and white hair and- and _you.”_

When he finally gets the courage to raise his head, he sees that Keith looks devastated, like Shiro’s pain is his pain, and that hearing all of this physically hurts him. 

Maybe it does.

“Shiro…” 

He falls into Keith’s hold without hesitation, the heartbeat under his hand strong. The embrace is something _familiar_ , something that’s just theirs, uncomplicated and untainted. 

Eventually Keith pulls away just slightly, enough that he’s still in Shiro’s arm but can look up to meet his gaze. The action is more distracting that it has any right to be, and it has Shiro thinking about how Keith is the perfect height for him to bend down and place a comforting kiss on his forehead and reassure him that everything will be alright. 

It’s incredibly hard to resist, especially when he can still feel the other paladin’s warmth still in his arms. Shiro is distracted again when Keith’s cheeks gain a slight dusting of pink as he begins, embarrassed, “And, uh, is everything… okay between us?”

There’s the feeling again that Shiro is forgetting something important. Even though he doesn’t know exactly what Keith means with the question, Shiro still nods.

Keith gives a small, relieved smile, and it looks as if a large weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He looks up from under his eyelashes, something that has Shiro blushing involuntarily. 

“We should still talk though,” Keith’s says, unaware of his thoughts. 

Shiro doesn’t want to because it will mean facing these new feelings, but he knows deep down that Keith is right. This can’t go on any longer. “We will, I promise. But I just need some to think and figure some stuff out... Is that okay?”

“Of course it is. But I want you to know that you can come to me, for whatever it is that’s bothering you.”

What’s bothering him is something that he would never voice aloud, Shiro thinks, but he smiles and says anyways, “Thank you, Keith. We’ll talk soon, I promise.”

A sudden jolt sends them crashing painfully into the wall. They’ve left their helmets next to black’s console, clearly a mistake. The two exchange panicked looks before sprinting to the cockpit. Keith quickly puts his helmet on, cursing when he sees the small fleet of Galra fighters. 

They try their best but the lions aren’t at full power. The cloaked Xanthorium crystals take them by a surprise, and despite fighting long and hard, it’s the last push before the lions lose power. 

With their impeded strength and resources, it isn’t long before they get captured by the group of pirates. 

His promised talk with Keith is long forgotten. 

 

 

 

 

They escape, but just barely. Keith splits away from the team with an order to Lance to keep the team together. Then, he’s gone. 

They wait anxiously for him, lions suspended in space and eager for any sign of him. 

Then Keith shows up with a girl. 

Seeing him with Axca is both a blessing and a curse. Jealousy and hurt boils over and it takes Shiro considerable energy to wrestle the emotions down. He’s so relieved that Keith has found someone else, because he deserves to be happy.

And maybe it will make it easier to stop seeing Keith as a potential boyfriend.

Later, when Shiro genuinely tells him, “I’m glad you found her. You two look really good together,” Keith will send him a confused and hurt look and refuse to talk for the rest of the day. 

It’s a mistake on Shiro’s part, but if Keith is ignoring him, it only means he’ll have to suffer less around him. There’s only so much inappropriate thoughts he can have about his best friend, his _brother_ , before he goes crazy. 

But seeing their friendship suffer is punishment enough. It seems that this is the only thing the clone and him agree on. 

 

 

 

 

They find Kolivan, Krolia leaves, and the two of them are alone. 

It’s a less than ideal time to switch passengers, but the close quarters are too much. Shiro moves to the green lion with Pidge before he does something he’ll regret, and it leaves Keith all alone in a lion that’s entirely too big.

He makes an excuse that’s not half as viable as he seems to think. 

The truth is that he _needs_ Keith’s presence, craves his touch to an unhealthy degree. He _needs_ him safe and sound and by his side. The truth is that being around Keith makes him go crazy and being around Keith is what keeps him sane. But however much Shiro admires him, and respects the man Keith became, it's not like that. It could never be like that. 

On their way back to Earth, he gets immobilized by some space creature but Shiro doesn’t remember, and later Keith will admit that him and the rest of the paladins were stuck in space, hallucinating and seeing things that weren’t there.

And even though Shiro asks, Keith won’t tell him what he’s seen.

 

 

 

 

 _The lions need recharging_ is the excuse they use, but when the team lands on a friendly planet for the night, it’s clear that it’s more for their own benefit. They need to get back home, but there’s only so long that they can sit in a cramped warship before they start to go a bit crazy.

The locals are overjoyed to see Voltron after it had been presumed vanquished, and are eager to share their hospitality by giving each of them a room for the night.

As Shiro gets ready to go to bed, there’s a knock on his door. It’s Keith, but then again, he wasn’t expecting it to be anyone else. Keith doesn’t come in immediately, not until Shiro steps to the side and opens the door wider in invitation.

“Is everything okay?” Shiro asks, watching as Keith pulls the sleeves of his shirt down until they cover his knuckles. It’s a nervous tick that Shiro hasn’t seen since the Garrison. 

There's uncharacteristic unsurety when Keith finally voices, “Shiro, I… you’ve been kinda distant, lately. I just- wanted to check up on you.”

 _Distant_ is a kind word for what Shiro has been. They don’t get to see each other often when they’re in different lions and they don’t talk much either. He wasn’t particularly eager to spend more time around Keith, not when he couldn’t even think straight when the other paladin was too close. 

He realizes that Keith is still waiting for a reply, and hastily he says, “I’m still getting used to being in a new body.” It’s not the best excuse and even though it looks like Keith doesn't believe it, he doesn’t push. He just looks hurt and tired and upset.

“Everything is still really confusing,” Shiro finally admits quietly, the only truth he’s allowed himself to voice aloud. 

Keith joins him on the bed hesitantly, but he doesn’t try to bridge the gap between them. “...You know I’m here for you, Shiro. Always.”

“I know, Keith,” Shiro sends him a small, rueful smile because he knows he doesn’t deserve his loyalty. 

There’s a long beat of silence, before Keith sucks in a sharp breath before steeling himself enough to finally blurt, “Shiro, are angry at me? Did I do something?”

Tearing back in shock, Shiro gapes at him for a long moment in disbelief. Now that Keith’s mentioned it however, it explains why he had been pulling away, why he hadn’t reached to Shiro. 

“No, Keith, it- it has nothing to do with you.”

_It has everything to do with you._

Keith doesn’t look convinced, and he shrinks in on himself, as if he’s trying to make himself smaller. Shiro remembers how Keith was when they first met, distrusting and afraid of being left behind again. 

When he speaks again, his voice is barely above a whisper, “I know you said we were okay but… Shiro, you- you haven’t even touched me since you got back.”

“...Touched you?” 

There’s a shocked silence at his words and Keith is quiet for a long moment, before realization slowly spreads over his features, “...you don’t remember.”

There’s a heavy weight to the words, dripping with devastation and something infinitely more painful. Shiro watches, confused but sorry to have forgotten whatever it was that Keith was talking about.

“Keith, I’m sorry-”

“No. No, Shiro, it’s- it’s not your fault.” Keith gets up from the bed, not looking at him even through the dark curtain of his bangs, and quickly moving towards the door. 

Shiro gets up, grabbing his wrists before he can leave, “Keith, I really am sorry.”

When he tugs at his wrist slightly, Shiro reluctantly lets him go. Keith still has his back to the room but his voice is steady when he says, “Shiro, stop... I know you’re- it’s not your fault, but I just… I need a minute. Alone.”

The door swings shut silently, well-oiled.

Shiro watches Keith leave. 

He doesn’t stop him. 

 

 

 

 

In his dreams, he sees Keith. 

Shiro’s reminded of how good it is to have Keith pinned underneath him, arched back and flushed cheeks. He knows intimately how Keith feels, tight and hot around him, knows the beautiful sounds he makes. He sees himself kissing Keith, on his mouth, on his jaw, and then lower, and can feel as Keith’s nails scrape across his back…

Shiro wakes up painfully hard, and the guilt rolling in his gut is enough to have him stumbling to the bathroom. 

He’s changing out of his sweat soaked shirt when he finds the almost healed scratches marking his back and a small bruise on the underside of his jaw, one that he wouldn’t have been able to see without a mirror. 

He’s ashamed at how aroused the sight leaves him, and bile rises in his throat. 

There had been something that changed between him and Keith, he knew. Something different that had him so trusting and unguarded and this explains it all. 

They were _together_

Shiro falls to his knees, retching over the toilet and fingers bloodless from the tight grip he had on the porcelain. Keith’s words come back to him, and suddenly everything is clear. ‘ _I’ll wait for you,’_ he had said, ‘ _For however long you need and for however long you’ll have me.’_

...God, what was he going to tell Keith?

He would be devastated. To lose his lover, and then for Shiro to say that he didn’t feel for Keith like that, that while the attraction and love was there, it wasn’t _his._

It would be unfair for the both of them to pretend that nothing had changed, and Keith deserved someone that would be devoted him, someone that would cherish him. 

Keith already thought that Shiro had forgotten their relationship, and maybe it would be the least painful for both of them to keep to that assumption. 

Even the thought of lying to Keith hurt, and thinking of the heartache that his best friend would go through was almost unbearable. But Shiro knew the alternative was even worse. 

Resigned, Shiro got up on trembling legs, stumbling to the bed. The communicator stated that there was still four vargas left until they were scheduled to leave, plenty of time rest a little longer. But although Shiro would twist and turn, he would not find sleep. 

 

 

 

 

The next morning after breakfast, Shiro heads outside and waits for the rest of the team. A little ways away, he sees Keith sitting on top of the Black lion’s paw. He’s talking lowly with Pidge, but Shiro’s too far away to hear what they’re saying. 

Pidge leans against Keith’s side, tucked under his arm as if she’s giving him a side hug. They look deep in their conversation so Shiro turns away to give them a bit of privacy. 

Lance and Allura show up a few minutes later, helmets tucked under their arms, Romelle and Coran following close behind. Seeing the rest of the team, Keith hops off of his perch, holding out a hand to help Pidge down. 

Hesitantly, he approaches Keith with a half hearted smile, noting the assessing look that Pidge sends his way. 

“Hey,” he calls out softly, earning him a tired smile back. Now that he’s closer, he can see that Keith has his hair up. Shiro ignores the way it makes him want to bend Keith over the black lions console and wrench those pretty moans from his lips.

Shiro clears his throat, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, “I, uh, was going to ask if you wanted me to stay with you in Black or if I should go back to green for a little longer.” 

“That would be for the best,” Keith says, holding the helmet tighter in his arms. “...I need a bit more time.” 

There’s a familiar battle between relief and disappointment at the answer but Shiro pushes the feelings down. “And Keith, I- I just wanted to say that I’m _really_ sorry.”

The smile that Keith sends him is weak. He steps closer, gloved hand raised midway as if he was going to place it on Shiro’s forearm like he had done a few days earlier. In the end, it falls away without making contact. 

The both of them turn when they hear Lance’s call, and Keith takes the opportunity to slip away to his lion. Guilt follows Shiro as he climbs in after Pidge in her lion. He’s prepared for a lecture or a reprimand but Pidge acts like it’s just any other day and doesn’t mention what had they been discussing on top of Black earlier.

They don’t talk about Keith the whole ride home. 

 

 

 

 

When the land on earth, they find it in ruins. 

The Garrison lost many people to the initial invasion, Iverson tells them, and Adam was amongst them. 

They may not have parted on good terms, but the two of them had spent their Garrison years together. If anything, Shiro wasn’t expecting that Adam would be the one to go first. The memorial on the Garrison wall is all that’s left to remember the fallen heroes, a picture and a name only slightly bigger than his thumb. 

In war, there’s no time to mourn. 

A debriefing is organized and Shiro meets the IGF Atlas. She’s beautiful but her wings are clipped. She can’t fly. 

The team splits as the try to find a viable energy source for the Atlas and the rest of the Altean integrated tech. Keith and Hunk leave the base, but don’t say what for. They take Griffin and Veronica with them. 

Time away from Keith is exactly what he needs but a part of him can’t stand to be away from him. His thoughts are always on Keith, on wondering if he’s okay, if he’s hurt. It makes the battle with Sendak’s forces twice as difficult.

When the team gets captured, he almost loses his train of thought. Images of the terrible things Sendak could be doing to hurt Keith imprint onto his mind. He’s terrified. By some miracle, they get the Atlas up and running. The following battle is a blur of events, unfocused memories of the lions coming to the paladin’s rescue, him battling Sendak, and then Keith coming down from his lion to strike Sendak down, like an avenging angel. 

The battle has worn him down, inhibitions lowered. It’s why he allows himself to slump in Keith’s arms, to finally feel safe and cared for.

He sees Keith and remembers his promise, ‘ _as many times as it takes_ ’ and ‘ _I’m not leaving here without you.’_ It’s juxtaposed by ‘ _don’t expect me to be here when you get back.’_

Keith is so close that it would take only a minute move of his head to press a soft chaste kiss to chapped lips, the gentlest form of a thank you.

He would have done it too, had the sincline ship not attacked when it did. Later, Shiro will look back and think that it was a blessing that it had interrupted, that he hadn’t started something that would lead Keith on, or that would give him the wrong idea. 

That would come later, but for now he’s too high on adrenaline to think beyond the battlefield. 

But when they finally defeat the robeast, it comes with a terrible price.

 

 

 

 

Keith looks pale and lifeless.

Shiro watches the heart monitor as it spells out Keith’s steady heartbeat. He watches the rise and fall of Keith’s breaths. He holds Keith bruised and bloodied hand, studies how small it looks against his. 

They thought Keith wouldn’t make it. 

They had told him as such in a clinical voice that was tinged with sympathy, as if Shiro’s heart hadn’t splintered into a million pieces. They didn’t understand that Keith was his everything. He couldn’t live without him 

Seeing him so still on the bed, bandages wrapped around his head, makes a part of Shiro ache, a part he hadn’t known could feel pain at all. 

Shiro brings their conjoined hands to his lips, presses a feather light kiss onto bruised knuckles. When he whispers the words between them, they’re not for Shiro’s sake. It’s for Keith. 

Keith, who deserves to know that someone out there needs him. 

That someone out there has devoted themselves to him.

When Shiro whispers, “I love you,” it falls from his lips with meaning. But something inside of him revels in the words, wants to hold Keith close and whisper the words in his ear, against his jaw, pressed against a shoulder. 

But that something is not him.

Shiro gets up on unsteady feet. He doesn’t look back when he opens the door, doesn’t look back as he steps into the hallway. 

Inside the room, Keith still sleeps. 

 

 

 

 

The rebuilding effort starts right away. 

Shiro spends the next few days helping out with clean up and with repairing the Atlas. 

It’s while Shiro is unloading a truck of supplies for the med bay that he meets Curtis, handing out packages of food to people that had lost their homes in the invasion. 

Curtis tells him over lunch about his love of space, tells him how he had wanted to join the Garrison but had been too busy with the family business so he had settled for volunteering. Even after losing a sister and his home in the war, Curtis is optimistic about what the future holds and eager to help those in need.

His honesty and openness is refreshing, and it isn’t long before Shiro feels comfortable enough to open up about his interests. 

“I knows it’s weird, but even after everything that happened in space, I… I look at the stars and I still have that amazement. I want to go out there and explore and see more.”

When Shiro looks up, Curtis is smiling at him softly. “I know what you mean. It’s like when you’re looking up at the sky at night, and you feel like there’s nothing holding you back.”

“Yeah,” Shiro says, breathless. “Exactly.”

There’s a moment of quiet between them, that’s broken when Shiro sees how late it’s gotten and starts gathering his things, “I should get going. I had a lot of paperwork I kind of left hanging.”

Curtis grimaces in embarrassment, “Sorry I kept you for so long.”

“It’s okay,” Shiro tells him, smiling slightly. “I had fun.”

They walk back to the Garrison together, bathed by the golden light of the setting sun. They don’t part even after they reach the doors, standing side by side for a long, awkward moment. Finally, Curtis rubs a hand on the back of his neck. “I know we just met, but uh… would you like to meet up again sometime?”

There’s a giddy feeling, one that makes Shiro feel like he’s a young boy again and going on his first date. 

“Yeah,” he says, pink staining his cheeks, “I’d like that.”

Curtis gives him a blinding smile as he leaves, parting with a goodbye that is clumsy with joy.

Shiro watches him go, and the thudding of his heart doesn’t go away until well into the night.

 

 

 

 

Two week pass and Keith gets released from the hospital. 

Shiro has never before been so conflicted.

After their initial meeting, him and Curtis met up often, until they were seeing each other almost every day. Being with him made Shiro feel young and innocent again, like nothing would be able to stop him from reaching out and touching the stars. 

But no matter what he did, Keith wouldn’t leave his thoughts. 

He would be on his mind while eating, while training. 

Even after spending the night at Curtis’, he would dream of Keith. 

He would remember the feel of Keith’s fingers as he traced patterns onto Shiro’s chest, basking together in the afterglow, sleepy and sore but sated. There had been a feather light kiss against the underside of his jaw, and then Keith’s soft _soft_ voice as he murmured, “Takashi, I love you so much.” 

It was that that distinguished this memory as one of the clones because if _Shiro_ had been there, his answer would never have been to lean down and kiss Keith gently on red bitten lips, whisper in the shared space between them, “You’re _everything_ to me.”

A part of him would see Curtis and crave dark, long hair, yearn to run his hands over pale, creamy skin. It would drive him crazy with lust and _love_ , begging for something he didn’t _want._

There was no satisfaction in anything that wasn’t Keith, no pleasure from anyone other than Keith. 

When it all became too much, he confided in Allura, begging her to take the thoughts away. She warned him how so much could go wrong, urged him to reconsider. She didn’t want to hurt him, and she didn’t want to hurt Keith. 

“He still thinks you forgot about what you two had together,” she pleaded, “Don’t you he think he deserves to know?”

“That wasn’t me,” Shiro had told her harshly, desperate for a release that would make his heart whole again.

Allura didn’t look convinced, not until Shiro finally admitted in a broken and torn voice, “My whole life, everyone has been telling me what to do and making decisions for me. For once, I- I want to make my _own_ choices. Allura, please, _I didn’t chose this.”_

When she finally agrees, they don’t tell anyone else on the team what they’re about to do. They go somewhere where they won’t be disturbed, a quiet and hidden room in the Atlas. 

“Lie down,” Allura tells him, grim and unhappy. “And close your eyes.”

She places her hands on the sides of his forehead.

Shiro sinks into a dreamless sleep.

 

 

 

 

“It worked,” is what he breathes when he wakes up. Allura doesn’t seem to share his enthusiasm, but she asks him if he remembers everything, if anything feels different and she’s relieved when he tells her that everything’s fine.

He tells her to get some rest, to which she doesn’t reply. 

It isn’t until he’s leaving the room that Allura finally whispers, “I hope you find your happiness, Shiro,” her tone neither contemptuous nor scornful.

When he finds Curtis waiting for him outside of their room, Shiro grabs him by the lapels and drags him inside. 

There’s a new thrill there, enjoyment and pleasure that’s sharper and clearer than it had been before. They’re _his_ feeling, Shiro realizes, without anyone else’s thoughts tainting his opinion. 

_His_ choice.

Curtis comments on his enthusiasm, pulling away and laughing against Shiro’s lips. “What’s gotten into you?” he asks, and yelps when Shiro pushes him onto the bed.

“Shut up,” he says happily, and kisses Curtis hard.

 

 

 

 

In the end, it takes him two days to gather the courage to talk to Keith. 

Shiro checks all of the places that used to be their usual haunts: the cafeteria, the lounge, even the off-limit roof where they used to stargaze together before Kerberos. When Shiro can’t find him, he realizes with a sinking feeling that he doesn’t know this older Keith well enough. 

A well meaning cadet points him to the right direction, the fourth person that Shiro’s asked about the black paladin’s whereabouts. 

When he enters the hangar, he sees Keith sitting on the wing of one of the MFE fighter jets, tinkering with an exposed control panel. He’s wearing a black tank top and has his hair tied up, and for once, the sight doesn’t leave Shiro helplessly aroused. Seeing him reminds Shiro of how much he’s missed having Keith around, without any additional feelings complicating the way he felt for his best friend. 

He’s about to shout and draw Keith’s attention when he spots Pidge leaning against his side and scrolling on her laptop, oddly reminiscent to the time he had caught them together on black’s paw. James Griffin joins him up on the jet’s wing, saying something that has Keith laughing. Keith pushes his hair -too dark and too long- away from his face, a wry smile on his playing on his lips as he says something back. 

Shiro is too far away to hear what they’re saying, but he wishes he was closer so that he could hear Keith’s witty humor once more, could be the one on the receiving ends of his blinding smiles.

Keith looks happy, and begrudgingly, Shiro steps out of the hangar. The knowledge sits heavy in his heart when he finally realizes that he’s lost Keith, in more ways than one. 

 

 

 

 

When the wedding is announced, the Voltron coalition goes crazy. Shiro is one of the leaders of the revolution, a figurehead for freedom and the motto of never giving up and apparently, his marriage is a big deal. Besides, everyone is eager to have something to celebrate, to raise morale after a grueling, centuries long battle against the Galra.

Both Curtis and Shiro had wanted a small wedding, with only family and close friends but their plans had drastically changed when Coran accidentally let the news slip to a dignitary from Olkarion. Three hours later, and almost everyone associated with the Voltron coalition had heard the news. 

When Coran had realized his mistake, he offered to hold a separate, smaller ceremony outside of the public eye. The guest list would be limited to the grooms’ friends and family as well the paladins and their relatives. Hunk offered to cater for the reception and Allura would officiate. 

After the vows had been said, the solemn atmosphere dissolved into laughter and an upbeat attitude with a little help from the champagne.

It was exactly the thing that they needed to unwind after the long war, a reason to celebrate and let loose, dancing without a care.

It’s towards the end of the reception that Keith comes to him, offering him a flute of champagne. Shiro takes it gratefully, watching as Keith tucks a strand of his hair behind his ear.

“Congratulations, Shiro. I’m really happy for you,” his words are genuine and earnest and Shiro smiles back warmly. 

“Thank you, Keith. That means a lot.”

Even after all this time, having Keith by his side feels right. Keith had been his best friend since before Kerberos, even when he knew that Shiro’s disease would run its course. Keith had always stayed by his side, and Shiro missed talking to him and confiding in him.

There’s a loud call of Keith’s name from the edge of the tent, and they both turn to see Hunk smiling widely and waving Keith over.

“I should go see what he wants,” Keith says, smiling slightly in amusement. “Congratulations, Shiro.”

He moves to walk away and Shiro catches his wrist before he can leave. He blushes when he realizes what he did, and let's go hastily. Keith stops and looks at him curiously. 

“Keith, I- I wanted to say that I’m really sorry,” he begins, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck in embarrassment. “I wasn’t really fair to you and I know that we haven’t talked in a while but I just… really miss you.”

Keith’s expression is unreadable, and there’s a moment of quiet before Shiro quietly admits, “I was thinking that maybe we could meet up sometime and catch up?”

There’s a wry smile on Keith’s lips when he says, “Yeah. I’d like that.”

Hunk calls Keith over again and Shiro watches as he goes over to the yellow paladin’s table, laughing when Hunk pulls Keith into his arms for a dance.

There’s a hand on his shoulder and Shiro turns to see Curtis by his side, smiling at him fondly. “Are you happy?” He asks, his voice unsteady with giddiness. 

Shiro presses a soft kiss against Curtis’ cheek, barely able to control his grin. 

Everyone is safe and he has his family with him, his husband by his side, and his best friend back. It seems too perfect to be true. 

“Yeah,” Shiro admits, leaning against Curtis’ side, “I am.”

 

 

 

 

Then, three days after the wedding, Keith leaves.

He doesn’t come back.

**Author's Note:**

> _“I knew that something was wrong, because if that had really been you, you wouldn't have loved me like he did.”_


End file.
